Here it goes…
I really don’t like fairs. I don’t love the crowds, or the long lines, or the fact that all of the food is so not good for me but smells so stinking delicious. But I especially don’t like the rides. You know the ones – they spin around and around and somehow are also moving up and down and backwards all at the same time, made ridiculously complete with their too many blinking, colorful lights and blaring, machine-ish music. It’s like a perfect recipe for vertigo on steroids.
So, I avoid them at all costs. I’m usually the purse holder, the one who gravitates towards sitting in the middle of the roller coaster if I am absolutely forced to ride one. It’s an experience to grit my teeth through, not one in which to find thrill or excitement.
And although I can control whether or not I go on a fair ride, I can’t always control when my thoughts start swirling. One thought leads to another, opens the door to the vastness of the unknown, I see my deep down fears, and BAM! I’ve got a fair ride in my head and I don’t know where the off-switch is located.
To be honest, I haven’t written on here in a while because I’ve been doing a lot of that kind of thinking. I’m realizing that as of the last, oh I don’t know, maybe almost 8+ years, I haven’t really let myself dream too much. I’ve just been doing and I’m really good at it (complete with perfectly color-coded excel spreadsheets and flawlessly formatted reports). Now I did have some totally wonderful dreams come true – I’m married to a man who is sincerely my better half and I don’t know how I ever lived without him. We’re living in a sweet town where I can really breathe and we’re carving out a life for ourselves that holds so much promise and adventure.
But I’ve had these other dreams, ones that I imagined during a time when I literally thought nothing was impossible. I still remember the moment when I answered the question of “what I wanted to be when I grew up.” I was a sincere kid, really wanting to answer the question with conviction and commitment. I didn’t want to be a firefighter, an astronaut (OMG that would be like fair ride times a trillion), a doctor, a lawyer, or even a teacher (ironic, as that is what I pursued for both my undergraduate and graduate degrees).
No, I wanted to write. My dream was to be an author. I wanted to speak and write the truth. Somehow, from a young age, I tapped into the knowledge that there is power in words, and I wanted to wield that power in a way that would bring life and restoration to many. I know, I was such a serious, strange kid.
But somewhere in the midst of growing up, becoming independent, studying, graduating, working, etc. that dream got tucked into a little corner of my heart. And honestly, I forgot about it. But there’s something sort of exciting about rediscovering a part of yourself that you didn’t remember existed.
I don’t know where all of this thinking and “re-dreaming” will lead me. No, I don’t want to become some fabulously published author who travels all the time and speaks to crowds about her book. No, I don’t want to create a beautifully polished blog that attracts endorsement opportunities and boasts thousands of followers. Because let’s be real, I’m not the perfect “writer-type.” I don’t have an expansive library. I sometimes don’t finish the books that I start reading. I also have this compulsive habit of buying a ton of books on Amazon that end up sitting on my shelf, yet to be opened…like three years later.
But one thing I do know is this – I don’t want to be the purse holder of my dreams. As fearful as it is to sit in the front row of this ride, nobody else will sit there for me. I want to be brave. Tender. Courageous. Kind. I want to write the truth, words that are inspired and inspire those who read them. I have no idea what direction this blog will take, and I’m still trying to figure out “who” I’m writing to. But this little niche of the interwebs is starting to become a precious, little baby that I never knew I had conceived. It’s heartbeat is starting to materialize somewhere in the fuzziness of my mind, and it’s kind of exciting.
So, here’s to our dreams. The ones we’ve forgotten but still have the opportunity to re-imagine in the reality of our day to day lives. Thanks for hopping on this fair ride of a roller coaster with me :). Let’s see where this takes us!