You are 19 weeks old today! I cannot believe it…we are almost halfway through this cohabitation thing we have going on here. And in just a few days, we find out whether you’re a boy or a girl! But before we find out, I wanted to write down a few thoughts I’ve had about you during the past few days. As much as mommy and daddy are SUPER eager to find out, there’s something quietly sacred about you remaining something of a mystery to us…a little being that only God knows fully about.
Because you see, little one, only God knows the exact moment when your precious life began, when your heart first started to beat, when your little baby fingers and toes started to form, and when you could first hear the sound of my voice. Sure, mommy always reads the BabyCenter app updates each week to find out roughly when those miraculous “firsts” are beginning to happen, but it is God who brought forth your life…and it will be God who sees your life through.
I still remember those early days after I found out you were in my womb. How stunned I was that after all this time, you were finally here. How excited your daddy was from the moment I showed him the positive test. And how frightened I was when the spotting wouldn’t stop even after a couple of weeks.
After days of worrying and fearing the worst, I realized that this was just the beginning. What could happen during the rest of this pregnancy that could throw me into a cycle of worry and tears? What about labor and delivery? And what about after you come into this world? How could I protect you from all the mean and evil out there?
And as I looked into the bathroom mirror, I realized I had a choice to make…a choice that I would probably have to make over and over again for the rest of my days. Surrender to God and trust in Him alone.
So, this is being written to remind me…and to show you one day…
Little one, you are not ours…you were given to us from the Lord, and it will be Your Heavenly Father who will best guide, love, and protect you all of your days. My calling, as your mother, is to surrender to God’s perfect leadership and trust that whatever happens, He is sovereign.
We FINALLY made it through that first trimester. All bleeding had ceased. We looked like we were in the clear. But then those bigger worries were replaced by smaller (kind of ridiculous) ones…like…was eating a whole bag of salt & vinegar potato chips in 3 days going to cause you any damage in there?!
And then the spiral of doubt begins to set in. Yes, mommy is a little more hormonal right now (and daddy can attest to that), but I realized there were actually seeds of bitterness and unforgiveness deep in my soul that I hadn’t dealt with yet that strangely enough, having a child brought to the surface…even those things that had been hidden for years.
Some days I felt so disqualified. How was I going to be able to raise you in the ways of the Lord when I was still struggling to consistently walk in His ways myself??
And then, through His precious Word, He revealed to me this truth – before the foundation of the world, before you were being formed in my womb, before any of your days have played out in this world God knew you, He chose you, and He has invited you to be His heavenly son or daughter.
The same grace and mercy and blood that washes over my sins are an open invitation to you, little one. And more than anything else, I cannot wait for the day that you take that invitation as your own and experience the riches and depths of His love washing over you. And your daddy and I will walk on one of the greatest journeys we will ever have in this life – to disciple you and help you love Jesus more than we love Jesus.
So, thank you (already!) for teaching me more of how much I need to let go and trust in the Lord. I suppose that is what motherhood is about. Perfection never accomplishes the miracle of nurturing and loving a life in this world. It will be a broken “yes,” a contrite heart, and a humbled spirit that can only partner with the Ultimate Father to call you forth into your destiny.
I want to be that kind of mommy to you. Thank you for believing in me, little one.